Chronic people pleasing
Do you go out of your way to ensure other people are happy, above taking care of yourself? Do you make inadequate decisions based on how others might feel so you do not cause upset? How about taking on tasks at work which really shouldn't be sitting with you? These are a few classic examples of people pleasing.
People pleasing means you are focussing on other people’s needs above your own and is one of the quickest ways to reach burnout. You are more likely to take on tasks believing it is your responsibility. You might avoid delegation for fear of “burdening” others. Whether it is in the workplace, with friends or at home with your family, the struggle is real! You may think you are preferencing relationships, but over time it will often have the opposite effect. The people you are trying to please will lose respect for you. At work it might mean you limit your career progression. If you are a business owner, your business growth may suffer. At home, your family start to expect you to do these things and will not learn how to do these things themselves (which is important if they eventually fly the nest!).
The likelihood is that you see this in yourself and yet you still do it. Maybe you think it is serving you because it means people like you. But do they respect you? Certainly from a leadership perspective this is tricky because it probably means you are not focussed on making objective decisions that are essential for the business, but rather decisions that you think are going to keep your people liking you. The irony here is that by not delegating, you are limiting your team’s potential which will not keep them motivated and wanting to stay in the job.
If you are not delegating, your people are not growing and your diary is getting busier and busier. If you are not making objective decisions for your business, your business will suffer. If you are not sharing household responsibilities, it will all fall onto you and you will not have as much quality time with your family.
What is important to note here is that with the people pleasing downsides, there are also some positives. Often the people pleaser will be able to read people quite well, be in tune with emotions and therefore be good at engaging with and motivating others. So, that sounds a bit mixed, I agree. What is important here is to recognise where there is a balance to be achieved. Ask yourself the question, where is it serving me and where is it not serving me?
Where it is not serving you, this is where there is a real opportunity for powerful change. Once you can bring more attention to it, you can be more aware of where it is coming up and whether or not there are any patterns or specific triggers with it.
Try to remember this process next time you feel yourself about to do something people pleasy…
Attention - notice how you are about to behave in a people pleasing way.
Pause - take a breath in through the nose and out through your mouth to help bring clarity of mind.
Choice - assess what is going to be the most valuable decision / behaviour.
Response - respond in a more intentional way that serves you.
As they say on flights, put your safety mask on before helping others. If you cannot breath yourself, how are you expected to be a good leader, parent, partner or friend?